The Honest Truth

Recently, I read Moxie in the City's blog The False Pretense Date. You know, you have an amazing first date, you're confident you'll hear from your match again, but then your phone doesn't ring? Moxie insists guys do this "with the specific intent to get laid and nothing more." Here's how she describes it:

... He plays the role of the potential boyfriend to a tee. He says all the right things, he's affectionate, he's feigns interest in everything the woman has to say. Then he gets her alone, probably outside her apartment, and he makes a move on her. A kiss, hand holding, etc. That's when he strikes.

"I don't want the night to end."

"Do you want to have a drink at my place?"

"When can I see you again?"

He'll probably make plans, plans he has no intention of keeping, just to keep you in that zone so you'll be more likely to say yes when he asks if he can come up stairs.

What does the eFlirt expert think? I agree that this happens, but I think there are many other reasons why the phenomenon occurs. Let's take a hypothetical NYC male. This can happen JUST as easily with females and JUST as easily in any state ... but for the sake of argument, let's paint a picture of a random NYC guy.

Joe has a thriving career but aspires to do much more. He is in a field such as finance or law that requires him to work his way up the ladder. He has been working at it for years but has many more to go. Joe has invested lots of time and energy into his career and is driven. He goes out with his friends on weekends but mostly, he has his eye on the prize. If you live in a major city, you know this guy. He sends his laundry out, lives within walking distance of the office and usually makes 'tentative' plans with friends in case a work crisis arises.

A few scenarios could come into play:

A. Keeping Balanced is a Challenge.  Let's face it — Joe is a workaholic. Frankly, he might not have time for a relationship, whether he wants one or not. I truly believe that you should be able to find time for the important people in life, but not everyone can keep this balance. Joe's career is most important right now, and a woman will never trump it until he has accomplished more of his goals.

B. He is a Serial Dater.  Joe might not want a relationship. Period. Maybe he isn't ready or knows he couldn't handle someone special in his life right now. Joe still seeks companionship, though. Every once in a while, he wants to go on a date and feel alive. Flirt, kiss, maybe more ... but at the end of the day Joe just wants to know that he's still got it.

C. Emotion. What's That?  With a relationship comes emotions. Maybe Joe isn't ready for that. In fact, he might even be a bit intimidated or scared by a woman's "feelings."

D. Distraction, Distraction, Distraction.  OK, maybe Joe DOES want a relationship. But he "works hard and plays hard." What this cliche actually means is that he simply has city-living ADD. He had a great time with you on Monday but Tuesday he went to a charity event, Wednesday he had tickets to the Giants game, Thursday he attended a networking event, Friday he took clients to dinner and Saturday he was obliged to go to a gallery opening. By the time Sunday rolls around, he doesn't remember what happened yesterday never mind Monday on your date. You can overbook on dates for the week right? Well, you can overbook on life also. Joe is way too distracted for you.

E. The Need for a Caretaker.  You're a strong woman. Joe appreciates that. He finds it attractive. But will he settle down with a woman who has her own successful career and doesn't need a man? Perhaps not. Maybe Joe wants a child bearer. He needs a woman who will stay at home with the kids and allow him to be the breadwinner. He wants that womanly touch in his life that he doesn't have right now.

Maybe Joe did just want to get laid ... or maybe it was any combination of the above scenarios. And that's the Honest Truth.