By Kevin Murray, Suave Scribe
It’s that time of the year again! The shopping malls are nuts, people are stressed out, and couples are getting engaged left and right, making you look like the minority. The older you get the more society puts pressure on you to find someone you’ll spend the rest of your life with. Doesn’t matter if you’re clearly at peace with being single; people feel the need to constantly remind you that someday, you’ll have to walk down the aisle — just like them. Who are the biggest offenders to rain (and rain) on your most eligible bachelor holiday parade? Let’s take a look:
Mom and Dad. Mom wants grandkids, point blank. I mean, we all love that fresh new baby smell of powder and Dipe ‘N’ Wipes, but moms are on another level. They want grandkids like Popeye needs spinach. Don’t let your mother’s overwhelming urge to nurse bring you down during your annual relationship interrogation at dinner.
Grandma. Grandma may be the biggest culprit of them all. “Why aren’t you married yet? Don’t you want kids? You should settle down soon.” Chill out, grandma. This isn’t 1950. You didn’t have to go through four to six years of college and then deal with chicks in an era where Teen Moms are given their own TV shows. Life is more complicated, and settling down at an older age is totally acceptable.
That random chick in the cubicles. It’s enviable that you’ll become friends with one random chick in the office who thinks her sheltered life is how it should be for everyone. This is probably the same gal that married her high school sweetheart, some poor sap of a guy that fit into a cookie cutter image of her idea of a man. She’ll get worse during the holidays, gushing about what she’s buying for her dorky husband. Don’t let her project her “successful” five-year plan on you.
Guy friends who are already married. Misery loves company, right? You and your best bro Johnny used to work the beer pong tables like a well-oiled machine. When you weren’t running the table, you were slaying women with your witty banter and uncanny timing that built off each other’s verbiage. But those days are gone. Now, Johnny can’t leave the house without getting his “Honey, do” Christmas list, not to mention his wife doesn’t want him hanging out with you anymore because “single guys are bad influences.” Only way you can hang out is if you get a wife, too. That way you guys can have play dates with your kids and you’ll no longer be “that single friend.” Don’t let Johnny’s situation make you feel like you have to wife-up to join his social circle again.
TV shows. Television shows can make you feel like you’re the loneliest guy on earth. Seems like every movie around the holiday season has a plot where the guy and gal fall in love and kiss under the mistletoe. Does that even happen in real life? How many people actually kiss under the mistletoe and have that crescendo moment where you drop a smooth line and make-out? Yeah, me neither.
Hold strong, my fellow bachelors. The holiday season is filled with many elements that’ll make you feel like you need a girlfriend or wife to be happy, and we know that’s not true. Now go pound some eggnog and figure out how you’re going to hit on the new cute chick from accounting at the holiday party.
Bachelors, got anything to add? Comment away!