Should You Respond to A Nice Guy?
4 Comments
By Jessica Hartman, Certified eFlirter
To answer or not to answer? That is the question.
Ladies, we’ve all been there. You get a really nice email from a really nice guy, but for some reason you just get that feeling. No, not the butterflies-in-your-stomach reaction that everyone writes love songs about but the “Yeah, this guy’s not for me,” sense.
So what’s a girl to do? You don’t want to be rude, right? He seems sooo nice, even though he has two cats (and you’re allergic to cats) and he lives farther than you’d ever realistically go for a date. But he’s just so nice!
As polite as it may seem to answer Mr. Nice Guy, it’ll actually end up doing more harm than good. If you email him back even though you’re definitely not interested, he’ll get false hope and assume that you like him back. One message can turn into two, and before you know it, you’re having a full-blown conversation online while he’s striking up the nerve to ask you out on a date. At the end of the day, the more you email back and forth, the more you’re leading him on — and that’s definitely something you should avoid.
While it may be obvious (to you) that you’re simply being friendly (because everyone wants someone who’s nice, right?), keep in mind that you’re on a dating site. No matter how platonic the conversation is Mr. Nice Guy will think you’re into him.
You might believe it’s mean to leave him hanging, but if you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he just isn’t the man for you, don’t answer his email.
Remember: He’s not just emailing you. He’s probably messaged 10 other women the same night he wrote his not-so-love letter to you. So if you don’t respond, no harm done. It’ll allow him to focus on the gals who do answer back — and hopefully, they’ll actually like him.
Reader Comments (4)
I just don't know how to respond to this. If all you want is booty calls, then this makes perfect sense. But, if you want a LTR, you HAVE to respond.
I disagree 100%. But there's a trick to it. Women wonder why nice guys turn bad. It often happens that they get so frustrated that they finally say screw it. It also goes back to the old Golden Rule.
So here's my suggestion:
If you're sure that Mr. Nice Guy wrote you a personalized letter (i.e. referenced your profile specifically etc) I do believe that you should write back. One of the reasons for this is that on certain dating sites one that starts with a M and ends with an H, somewhere between 80 and 90% of the users can't reply to an email due to the fact that they aren't paid members. The same is true on the largest Jewish dating site on the planet. So, give the guy a break, and let him know that there are real women on the site and give him hope that he will end up finding the right woman.
HOWEVER, do not leave any openings to let him believe that YOU are that right woman.
A quick, firmly worded email is a good tactic. "Thank you so much for your email, however, I'm sorry, I don't believe we're a good match." Now, where women then get into trouble, is that the guy writes back and they feel the need to reply. DON'T ! You have already made it clear you weren't interested, your job is done. Don't let yourself get suckered in. If you ended up getting sucked in, you might end up going out -- and now you've set a precedent that your opinion can be swayed. You'll be in deeper trouble when you try not to go out a second time.
Now... if you think the guy is a nice guy, but he sent you a form letter that showed he didn't read your profile... show him the same effort he showed you. Hit the Delete key and go on to bachelor number 2.
I almost always responded to obviously personalized, respectful messages. Frequently, the guy would reply, even if my message was a clear, but polite rejection. If I didn't respond to that, that would usually be it. In a few cases, the guy would get hostile and/or persistent. That's what the blocking feature is for. No big deal.
In these situations, I've realized that more often than not, the girl ends up developing real feelings for the nice guy.
To avoid missing out, I'd say, give the guy a fair chance!