Why Looking Unavailable To Men Doesn’t Work

credit: rsambrook (Flickr)   

credit: rsambrook (Flickr)


By Kavita J Patel, Love & Relationship Coach

You’ve probably heard your girlfriends talk about how you should appear unavailable to the new guy you’re dating because that’s what men like. So you stop texting him back (even when you want to), wait days to call, or keep your options open — even though you like him and want to take it to the next level. This feels stressful and confusing, like you’re waiting for him to take the bait.

The reason we follow the rules is so we can feel in control in an area of our lives that can feel out of control. So,“rules” (like waiting 90 days to have sex), give us the illusion that we’re doing the right thing. And this can leave most women feeling even more self-conscious, wondering if they’re taking the right steps when it comes to dating. There’s a far better approach to meeting men and keeping their interest, then the outdated “rules”. Here are tips I’ve found that actually work in love now.

Stop trying to show up in a way that you actually aren’t.

If you show up as yourself and own who you are and what you stand for, the right man won’t be able to deny your presence. Studies show that it takes 15 minutes for a woman to make an impression on a man. The action that will make that lasting impression is talking about topics you’re passionate about. Most women wonder what to say to make men like them. Just tell them what makes you tick — in a good way!

Know what you want.

Whenever I interview men about what they desire in a woman, every answer in some way led back to a woman who feels good in her own skin. Confidence, and the ability to communicate and tell a man what you need him to do for you, is sexy! So yes — guys want you to express what you want, ask for what you need, and say what you really think. In fact telling them where you want to go on a date is something I highly recommend. Expressing what you like and need will help you lose the anxiety and nervousness that keep you from being you on dates.

But to express what you want in a relationship, you have to know what you want. When I ask most women what they want in love they give me a watered down version, which is “I want to be in a committed relationship,” when what they actually want is to get married and have a family. If you want that, declare it! You don’t have to want to get married or have kids, but it’s important to declare what you fully desire. Revving up that desire enables us to attract the man and life we want.

I have my clients create a Love Declaration Statement. This isn’t about writing a laundry list of what you want in a man. It’s about focusing on three key feelings you want to feel, and declaring the role you want that man to play in your life (i.e.“I feel so supported, loved, and inspired by my amazing husband that I’m starting a family with”).

What’s holding you back?

Maybe you know exactly what you want but aren’t able to express those feelings. Being vulnerable is scary, and this usually comes from a part of us that is judging ourselves — before someone else does. It’s the voice in the back of our head that says to do what he wants you to do. This stifles us … without us even knowing it.

Here’s an exercise to help you express yourself with the man you like with ease: 

Write down your top three most loving statements towards yourself (though you can write more!). Examples include: “I’m a really good friend,” “I go out of my way to help others,” and “ I am really good listener and super thoughtful.” 

Now take a picture of what you wrote and make that the screen savor on your phone. See how compassion pointed inwards allows you to relax into who you are and present yourself more naturally with men and everyone in your life.

I know this exercise will help you to open up to love a little more. If you’re curious about how to further access expressing yourself, and how this practice is the secret to meeting the love of your life, then check out my Done with Being Single video series (totally free). I can’t wait to see what this exercise brings you! 

Oh, and make sure you share what your love statements are with me in the comments below!


Kavita J. Patel is a Love Coach (some call her a Love Intuitive) who combines her no-BS -style with spiritual teachings to help single women find the love of their life and have fun doing it. She’s been featured in Woman’s Health Magazine, FoxNews, CBS, Woman’s Day, and more. Kavita gets to the root of what creates sabotaging love patterns and has helped hundreds of women easily release those patterns so they can attract the man they’ve been looking for.